I want to tell about something that has been my life for the past 2-3 years…depression and self harm
Just 6 month ago I used to self harm myself….I used to Schacht my own wrist and when it became too much I would cut myself.
It all started when I began in college when I got into a new class, in the beginning there weren’t any problems but slowlyI became unhappy, I started to skip school and say I was sick. Later on when my emotions became to hard to handle I would scratch myself on the wrist, just because it was a lot easier felling real pain than the pain and sadness within myself.
My problem in school was all about my class, we had a very dysfunctional class, where with in the first year 2 people already left because they didnt like it in our class, in the 3 years I lost Count at how many times my teachers talked to us to try to fix the problems, I think the times where we were most happy was when we was out traveling together and even at that times there were problems, a lot and I mean a lot of the problems was with the girls in the class, they were so bitchy and forming clicks and if someone in the click did something the others didn’t like they would be frozen out because of all that I decided not to get to involved with that many of them outside school had a one that I considered my good friend but in third year she suddenly stopped talking to me that much, I suspect that it was because of that she suddenly became more popular with the others…..it was never because that nobody liked me, but I was more like a mother to them, because I was about 4-5 years older that everyone else
But one thing I know is that class was not the main reason for my self harm but they were the icing on the cake, I think it have been building up over a long, long time
I started to self harm because it was easier, my head was a mess and I hated when I suddenly started to become sad and almost wanted to cry, but if i started scratching myself or use a scissor, to make small cuts on my wrist that would cause the pain was a lot easier to deal with.
I hated when I just didn’t want to be here anymore…..yes I was also suicidal, I would stand in my shower thinking about how easy it would be just to take my shaver and tear it apart to get to the razor and just end it….I was pretty far out.
BUT…I changed it in August of 2014 I decided to finally change my life I no longer wanted to harm myself I no longer wanted to life in constant fear of getting so far out that I would take my own life and by that make my Family sad.
First I looked on the internet for pages where i could talk with someone who could help, I found 2 pages and one of the was Something called LMS that is an organisation in Denmark that helps people with eating disorder and selfharm….I talked online with someone for an Hour, she told me that I needed to talk to my Family and ask for help.
So I messaged my Twin sister and said I needed to talk, her and my brother-in-law picked me up, we went for dinner and then home to them I was sitting in their living room crying, showing them my wrist that was full of wounds and looking really ugly, they were very supportive and said it was good I finally asked for help a couple of days later I finally had the courage and sat down with my mum and finally told her that I wasnt feeling good and that I was harming myself.we then got a doctor’s appointment and she told me to see a therapist, that didn’t help much and one day I called my mum crying on the phone because of something that happened with a former best friend I havent talked to her ever since, but that made me stay at my parents place for almost a week because we was afraid what I would do, luckily nothing happened….but that might be because only a couple of weeks prior to that the same friend or to be more precise her fiance, made me grab a razor and cut myself at that time I was Lucky that a friend of mine was quick to write to my mom when she saw my Picture (I am for ever grateful to her) at that point my mum took me to see a doctor and told the receptionist that we would not leave until we had seen someone, I came in even though I did not have an appointment and o
said I needed to start on antidepressant medicine until I am feeling better…..that was the best decision that as made.
I stopped going to my therapist since it did not help…..but my mom said I needed to try out hypnotherapy she would even pay for it….so I tried it and already after the first time I felt like a different me, I felt like a weight have been lifted of my shoulders, I almost felt like the old me. I went there two times and it changed my world now I fell a lot happier of course I am not of my medicine and I still have times where I am down, times where it becomes too much and I just cry but it is so rare, I don’t stay at my parent place anymore, I can be around people without panicking and shaking, I can go to Work without being nervous that i will make a mistake.
Of course I sometimes miss my friend but I will never have her in my life Again, because she have never contacted me telling me that she would be here for me later on, she had no reaction when my mom told her that for a period of time she could not contact me…..but this summer I hope to run into her because she is one of the Things that need closure, I need to tell her how let down I fell, how I needed her to be there for me but she wasnt, how hard it was to need her when I wanted to rtake my own life and when I harmed myself….but she was never there, but then again I have had a lot of other people who has been here for be and I love them for it.
My Brother-In-Law asked my not so long agg…”what was it that keep you from not just thinking about suicide but actually doing it, my answer to him was, MY FAMILY and especially my Twin sister, because I would not know how to go on if I lost her and I would not put her through that pain of having to go though life without me…..I would not leave my Family behind with the pain of loosing a sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, aunt or cousin.
i would not put my sister through the pain of losing the other half of her (that is what I would feel loosing her). That was why I never did it but that was only because I was quick to ask for help
I still struggle and i know I will do for a long time to come, I will still break Down crying over the smallest things, but I know that there is always someone there to comfort me when it become too much.
When I feel that the World is to hard…I know that someone is there to listen and give me a warm hug.
When I fear being alone I know there is always a place I can stay for a couple of days until I feel better.
My advice for people who can recognise them self in what in my story is
- The hardest thing you will do is asking for help, but its worth it
- Always remember you are never alone, Someone loves you and wants you to fell better
- Keep on figtigt….someday you will look back and see that you made the right decision
- Remember that by leaving this World you don’t hurt yourself but those around you
- Find the positive things in life (even the small things)
- (I made a jar where I but in small notes when something good happens and when I feel low I take it and read them)
- Tell people when you are not feeling well, don’t hold it in
- TALK ABOUT IT
My advice for people who know someone with depression
- Never and I mean NEVER say “get over it” (we can’t simply get over it and be happy Again, if we could we would)
- Just listen you don’t know to do a lot, just listening is enough
- Give a small compliment from time to time (you need to remember that often their self-esteem is rather low)
- Be there when they need it…it Means the World (I know I felt alone, I don’t anymore)
Some of the changes that might tell a lot
- If the person suddenly isolate him/herself more that usually
- The person might start to sleep a lot more than before
- (for self harmers) they might start to Wear long sleeves ( I myself started to always Wear a big Watch and bracelets when it was warm and then I was very aware of how I placed my wrist)
This took me a week to write because it’s a subject that I very hard for me to out Down in Words, but I hope that I can help others to get help especially if you self harm, don’t do that you are more worth than that.
Fell free to comment the subject, but remember these are all my own experiences and it might not be well written but as said I was very hard for me.